Blood and Peace and Weeping

What a title. But, that's what it's all about, isn't it? I was abrupt with my last post so that I could have the facts down. There was a lot more going on, though.

This gets a little gross so you may want to skip the next paragraph or so. It started Monday. All day I felt achy, lightly crampy. I rested most of the day since I could; school started the next day, and the kids were ready. In the evening, Meg had soccer practice, and since I am/was the coach, so did I. Practice is pretty light for me since the girls do most of the work. The cramps subsided while I was active. That night, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped (the gross part), there was blood. When you're pregnant, there's nothing like blood to freak you out. At 11pm, I was a mess and called the doctor's office. One of the partners talked me down from my near hysteria. After all, at this point, it was only spotting and the baby was fine just a few days ago.

By morning, I was feeling much worse and had fished some tissue and possible blood clots out of the toilet. Gross, I know, but much scarier than gross. My cramps were worse as well, not quite period-worse, but definitely worse and concerning. I helped Meg and Jake prepare for school and sent them on their buses. As soon as the doc's office was open for business, I was on the phone. Eventually, the nurse called me back and set up an appointment for the afternoon. I was not calm and constantly near tears. I had adjusted to being pregnant and wanted this baby -- badly. All I could think about was miscarriage. Work was impossible. I cried out to God many times, but I don't think any of it was English. Brian was praying as well, over me and in the back of his mind while he worked.

Finally, it was time to leave for my appointment. We held hands while Brian drove. We talked about the possibilities. Then, a minor miracle for my heart. Speeding down 520, near the NE 40th St exit, I felt peace drape over me like a comforting blanket. Things weren't ok. Nothing had changed. But, I felt better, soothed.

We sat nervously waiting for my name to be called at the doc's office. Once called, I gave my urine donation and baggy of grody stuff (see above) to the nurse and prepared to speak to the doc. Now this is one of the reasons why I really like this doctor. As soon as she walked in the room, she said that she wanted to go straight to ultrasound to check on the baby. Within minutes, we could see the fluttering heartbeat, even better than before. She also showed us the blood pooling in the area but not touching the uterus. The baby was safe. The perigestational bleeding could be a sign that I was going to miscarry, but it could also NOT be a sign of miscarriage. She told me to "take it easy" and return in a week for another ultrasound because it would make her feel better. That made me smile.

My 24-hour urine test has been put on hold as has my consultation with the perinatoligist until we know that I have a viable pregnancy. Viable. It's a word that has haunted us since my pregnancy with Jake. And, now it returns.

Many have asked how I am doing now. Still bleeding, but peaceful, and weepy.