Pics for a Purpose

The proofs from our photo session a couple of weeks ago are available for a short time at http://gallery.picsforapurpose.org/2009/Jenna/4-01-Walker/9975484_Koxna

The thumbnails don't do them justice. Use the slide show to view the photos or click on each one. Prepare to say, "Ah!"

Simply can't believe how cute our kids are.

Kelsey Creek Farm Fair -- October 11th

Finn's first time on a swing.

Papa & Jake

Meg and her buddy Sean

Jake in a fire engine

Doppelganger

Every once in a while, my mind wanders ahead to an unknown, mysterious time in our lives -- the future, more specifically Jakey's future. What will he look like? be like? Will his mannerisms have advanced? Will he be potty-trained? Still have echolalia? Where will he live? What will he do? Will he be able to communicate better? more than his needs? Will he have a job? Mostly I wonder if he will be happy and if he will continue to live with us. Ms. A, his teacher, has stated that she thinks he will be able to live in a group home. Will he? Will we want him to? I try not to go here that often. It's an empty place filled with conjecture and fear.

[What's echolalia? Echolalia is an unconventional verbal behavior that is common among children with autism spectrum disorders. Echolalia occurs when the child repeats verbal information stated by others (e.g., people's conversational exchanges, videos, books read aloud, songs, etc.).]

I long for a day when I may meet another mom who has a son like Jake, but her son is older, and she has been through it all. I want to hear her stories and tell her Jake's. Someone who can unveil some of the mystery, give some hope, and help with realistic expectations. Someone who can listen and talk and truly understand. Empathy given and taken.

Today is Baby Day at the Movies in Kirkland, and Finn and I made the 25-minute trek to join a bunch of moms and babies in laughter while watching Couples Retreat, fun flick. A group of teens/young adults with special needs were there to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

One of the young men caught my eye, and I almost fell over. He looked like an older version of Jakey, same hair, similar face and eyes. He even had some of Jakey's quirks. Echolalia was present. The young man repeatedly said, "I love you," "I love me," and various sounds that I couldn't decipher.

He was handsome and sweet, and I just wanted to go up and give him a hug. I wanted to talk to him and find out all about his life. I kept staring at him and smiling. To excuse my staring, I told the woman next to me that he resembled my son, but she didn't understand that the resemblance went beyond looks.

The young man's companion was brusque with him when they walked up to the window to purchase their tickets. I can't deny that I wanted to deck him. Somewhat out of place since I've been brusque with Jakey on numerous occasions.

By the end of the movie, my mind drifted back to Jakey's doppelganger and Jakey's future. I wiped my tears, sniffed a bit, and packed up Finn so that we would be home before the kids' buses arrived. Tears and sniffles all the way home.

Up, Down, and Up Again

What a week for the Walker clan. It was so busy that I can barely remember everything that happened ... and yet, the list isn't that long.

Early in the week I finished a huge, important, and highly confidential work project. The research was intriguing and the pressure high. I needed to explain my process and explain one of the high risk items. I received kudos from my boss. So, hurray.

Meg played (approved) hooky from school on Tuesday and went with the male Bensons to the Puyallup Fair for the day. She had a great day.

Wednesday was exciting. I had won tickets to see the newly restored Wizard of Oz. Meg and I took the Mini, top down of course, to the theater. This was her first time seeing the original classic and my first time seeing it on the big screen. Actually, I hadn't seen the film in years, well, decades. When I was younger and the movie was shown during the Thanksgiving holidays, the flying monkeys frightened me, and I never wanted to see it again; now, I can't see what inspired my fears. The restored version was lovely, and I enjoyed sharing the magical experience with Meggy.

The same day, Jakey was sent home from school. They recorded his fever at 102.3 and said that he was flushed and lethargic. We never saw that version of our little guy. Once home, the fever disappeared as did the lethargy. Because of the rampant swine flu fears, he stayed home one extra day. By the end of Thursday, he was stir crazy and anxious to return to school.

Ah, Thursday ... culmination of another big project for me -- preparing 54 items for consignment at the Cute As a Button Sale in Woodinville. Cleaning, hanging, tagging -- I thought I would never finish. Drop off items at 2, return at 7 for the pre-sale. We didn't make much money, but now I don't need to find a way to donate the leftover items, and I was able to purchase a nice high chair and umbrella stroller for Finn at a fraction of the retail price.

Speaking of Finn, we've now tried carrots, and he loves them. His eating is still a little awkward, but he enjoys the adventure and I enjoy cleaning him up.

Friday was early release. Jakey had an odd comment on his information sheet so I called his teacher. I'm still a bit volatile when talking with her. She can be such a b****. She made me so mad that I was researching homeschooling kids with special needs that evening. While talking, I asked about our last IEP meeting in the spring. I wanted to know when we would have our first monthly meeting and if Jake's speech therapy had already increased. Both of these items had been agreed upon in the meeting. She flat out denied any agreement and said that both were impossible. Really?!?!? She even balked when I asked her to review her notes. Needless to say, Brian and I are composing a letter to send to her boss, who was at the meeting. Please pray that we are able to work through this quickly and to Jacob's benefit.

Here's a bit of a quirky thing from Friday, I woke up 15 minutes early and decided to do my Bible study in the morning instead of before bedtime like usual. Now I wonder if the Jake's-teacher-incident was in response to my early study or if the study was a prep for the incident. Another of God's mysteries.

While Friday was a tough day and night, Saturday took a nice turn. The weather was lovely, sunny and slightly cool. And, the Dragons, Meg's soccer team, won their game 1-0. Our first win of the season. Yes, it's her team, but it's also mine since I'm the coach. So, "our" is appropriate. For the last two seasons, they were a winning team, but this season has been a struggle. We have some major kinks to work out.

Saturday night, we returned to struggle. Finn woke up 3 times to eat, and return to slumberland eluded me twice.

Tonight, Sunday night, Brian and I will have a date, a much needed date -- MUCH.

Two milestones

Last Friday, Finn had his appointment with the nutritionist. He is no longer being tracked on the preemie baby graph. He has moved to the typical baby graph. She also decided that he is ready for solids. Feeding him rice cereal is hilarious. With his excessive drooling, he ends up with more on him than I make. More of a learning experience than actual nutrition.

Tomorrow is a most important day. 10 years ago on March 16th at 8:28 p.m., Meghan Jessica entered the world at Overlake Hospital in Bellevue, Washington. She was 3.5 weeks early and weighed 5 lbs, 3oz. Born with attitude and hunger, we called her a suckerfish since she would eat or suck on a finger for hours. Meggy is enchanting and innocent, loving and troubled. She loves deeply and fears pain. She is the definition of someone who marches to their own drum, but still she wants to be accepted.

I remember the time that she decided she wanted to know more about Jesus. We had just turned onto Novelty Hill Road from Snoqualmie Valley. I explained everything to her. She wanted to pray, but not yet. Hours later at bedtime was her chosen time, and we did it together. Meg always does better no pressure and time to think.

She would rather play than talk, growl than cry, draw than copy. At times our home resembles Krakatoa erupting when we clash -- too often, I know. But, those other times ... Meg and I cuddle. She still calls me Mama or Mommy. We call her Baby; even her beloved Gima calls her baby. She doesn't flinch at the name but always responds. If someone adds an article, she will adamantly reply that she is not a baby. And, she's right; she isn't. But, she is my baby and always will be.

Sometimes you have to let them do their thing

The other day when I opened the freezer, I saw two slices of white bread resting amongst the frozen foods. Odd.

Being the curious and not-too-neat sort, I left them there and hoped that one day I would find out how and why the slices were out of any packaging and in the freezer.

Days passed until the day Meg walked out of the kitchen with both pieces in her hands.

"Do you know why I put two pieces of bread in the freezer?" she asked.

Nope, but I sure wanted to know without dousing her fun. "No, honey, but I've been wondering why, " I answered.

"Well, I wanted to make an ice cream sandwich."

She put the bread back in the freezer for later, and I smiled, holding in my laughter for later when I told Brian. He asked me today if she's tried it yet. Nope, not yet.

Another day, another punch to the heart

The hardest part about today was trying to figure out why I was so upset about something that I already knew. Today, Brian and I (and Finn) went to the Autism Center at Children's Hospital for Jake's evaluation results. No surprise, he has been diagnosed with autistic disorder. It doesn't change who Jake is. The doctor told me two weeks ago that they were going to give him this diagnosis. His neurologist diagnosed him with autism last spring. And, yet, the only thing that I wanted to do was weep, bawl, cry, snot and all. My insides were writhing with sorrow; still are actually. I've thought of little else all afternoon and evening. Why?

At one point, I stood in the kitchen and stared out the window, didn't see anything. "Why?" echoing in my tired little mind. I've known. I've known for a long time. I saw nothing until I looked down at the golden lid on Finn's Enfamil powder.

"Because it's your baby."

Just writing it now, I choke on the sobs. Because he's my baby. We've mourned and rejoiced with and over Jake since that plastic stick declared that I was carrying him in my womb. We've mourned and rejoiced. We will continue to mourn and rejoice. Because he's my baby.

Tonight I asked God if that is how he responds to our pain and joy. Because we're his babies.

That would be a beautiful place to end tonight, but I need to add some garland, something that touched my heart. The doctor gave us a preliminary report to take home. Here is the second paragraph:

"Jacob has many notable strengths. Jacob is a happy, content child. He is loving, and enjoys cuddling or leaning on his dad. He tries to be funny (says "funny" and laughs). He tries to be independent in many things. He also has a caring and loving family who is committed to finding appropriate interventions for his needs."

How many people have such wonderful words written into their medical file? Jakey does. And, this isn't the only one.

It's finally gone

Just one week and two days shy of 8-1/2, Jake has lost his first tooth, upper middle. We were wondering if Finn's first tooth would come in before Jake lost one. And, he really LOST it. We have no idea where it is and if we will ever see it. Now he has a huge gap with an adult tooth pushing it's way through.

Just had to mark the event before the day was through.

A visual state of affairs

Unfortunately, the images aren't in the order that I wanted, and I'm too lazy to change them, but you only know because I'm telling. Silly me. Now, the pic above is Finn wearing Meg's snowboots. His legs aren't quite long enough to fill them yet.

Jake is almost always wearing headphones and listening to one of his shows. This time he is in the yard while Papa is working on cleaning up the vehicles during the last warm days of summer. In the background, you can glimpse the newest addition to our 3 car fleet, a yellow MINI convertible. Alas, the '97 van and the Element are no longer ours.

Meg has been loving her snowboard lessons at Mini Mountain. The carpet she is laying on is like a large treadmill. Actually, she rarely falls in her lessons.

This is her usual position, upright and working on her edges.

Jakey went with Finn and me to the doctor so that the boys could get their flu shots (and Finny his other 6-month appt stuff). I love how Jakey can always find a way to lounge just like his Mommy.

These are some of my favorite photos of Finn. Yep, he is at the doc's office for his appointment and playing on the exam table. Like most babies, he just loves the mirrors.

Isn't he just the cutest little guy? or am I biased?

And the cycle starts again

Up at 7:30 am (early for me and my not-so-little offspring), I awaken my little birds to an overcast morning so that they can head off to school. Over the years, I've learned to be gentle and sing-songy, opposite from my childhood memories, and coax Meg and Jake out of bed.

Meg grunted that I needn't continue to wake her while Jake hid his head under his blanket and pillow. While Meg prepared for the day, I mixed them each a cup of instant breakfast, chocolate for Meg and vanilla for Jake. Neither of them are big breakfast eaters, and I do what I can.

Finally, I had to literally drag Jake from his bed so that I could dress him in the living room after some cuddle time and kisses.

They looked so much older this year, my fourth grader and third grader. I wanted to capture the moment in a picture ... and that's when everything went wonky. First, Meg wouldn't stand by Jake, then she wouldn't smile or even try. Then, I lost my temper and lashed out. Brian stepped in while I took Jake outside for his bus.

There's more, but now I'm simply happy that they are at school and hopefully enjoying their first day back. I've been feeding Finn and working. Couldn't do that without the boppy and a laptop. After school, Meg and I will rush, and I mean RUSH, off to soccer practice.

Fall is here.

Six months and what a boy!

Finn Zachary is six-months-old today and thriving. He does everything a little guy his age should be doing. He is in the 10-25 percentile for weight and head circumference, and 25-50 for height, actual age not adjusted age. That's 14 lbs, 9 oz and 26 inches long. I took some great photos of him at the doctor's office. I hope to upload them soon, but I'm not very reliable.

In three weeks from today, Meg turns 10. It's hard to wrap my mind around that. She is still such a child but definitely blossoming into a little lady. Hopefully, this weekend I'll be able to take some time to write about our girls-only trip last weekend.

And, then there's sweet Jake, 8-years-old and still with all of his baby teeth. The top one is close to coming out, and that will be the first.

Our family is truly blessed. More to come.

The most courageous boy

Today I transformed Brian from Grizzly Mountain Man to Clean-cut Engineer with a pair of barber's clippers. I should have taken before and after pictures but that smacks of effort. You will just have to use your imagination.

Before we started, Jakey saw Brian carrying the clippers' case and immediately started protesting a haircut that we had no intention of giving him. Brian set down the clippers and carried Jakey to the garage where his computer and toys are. Jakey came back up to the kitchen, our makeshift barbershop, and tearfully babbled about a haircut. Unusual.

Why? Few have witnessed Jake's terror of haircuts but those who have will never forget the screams, the writhing, the flying hands, and the petechial hemorrhaging. Yep, when we cut Jake's hair he usually cries so hard that the blood vessels under his eyes burst and cause red dots the cover his upper cheeks. Brian has to hold Jakey's arms to his sides so that his fingers don't get in the way of the clippers. The experience is so horrifying that we only cut his hair twice a year. Even mentioning the word "haircut" in his presence will induce tears and protests. For a child with sensory issues, haircuts are scary -- no control, no line of sight, loud noise by the eyes, hair being tugged. And, Jake has never liked people even touching his head.

The previous paragraph still does not fully explain how awful haircuts are for Jake and us. May you never experience putting your child (who doesn't understand you fully) through something so terrifying to them.

Back to the story ... through his tears, Jakey insisted on having his haircut. Brian held him tight on around the midsection. I held out the clippers so that Jakey could turn them on and touch the base. Then, I started cutting. Jakey sat still, no writhing, his hands at his side. He cried and babbled but allowed me to continue. About halfway through, Jake's hysteria started rising, and we asked him if he wanted to take a break. He turned off the clippers and calmed himself a bit.

Before starting up again, I asked if he wanted to finish. Choking on his tears, Jake said, "Finish."

I held out the clippers towards him and let him turn them on again. Surprisingly, he put his hand on the clippers to bring them up to his head for me to finish.

He never once stopped crying, never stopped being afraid. He still doesn't understand that the clippers won't hurt him and why Mommy and Papa put him through this torture. Yet, he endured, encouraged us to continue. That's courage. Our Jakey is the most courageous boy, and we are so proud of him. And, humbled by what a little, disabled boy can do.

Longer than I thought

Wow. I can't believe it's been almost three months since I blogged. I have so many times in my mind that I was surprised to see the date of my previous post. So much and so little has happened:

1. Finn is doing AWESOME! No additives to his feeds any more, and he weighs more than 12 pounds. (Yes, I need to post pics.)
2. Through the looking glass with Jake's school ... maybe more later.
3. Tons of doc appts for Jake. Some diagnoses? Cerebral Palsy, secondary Autism, Spastic Diplegia. Blah, blah, blah.
4. And appts lead to more tests, genetic tests. Expensive.
5. Mama's first weekend away from baby Finn. Meg's Girl Scout troop needed me for a weekend trip.
6. Back to work for Mama.
7. I stopped pumping.
8. Finn starts sleeping at least 8 hours a night ... without waking up.
9. Finn's first trip to the zoo ... with Meg's class.
10. Meg bridged from Brownies to Junior Girl Scouts.
11. We used up the frozen breastmilk and switched Finn to formula.
12. Meg and Jake out of school.
13. Meg's "first" backpacking trip. Well, actually second. Her first was when she was so little that Brian carried her most of the way. Brian and Meg had a great time.
14. Tomorrow Meg leaves for her first week-long camp away from home. Fortunately, she'll be less than 15 minutes away, and I know the cook. The camp is closer to home than her school is.
15. I've started working out again. Ouch (but a good ouch).

Still a ton to do and arrange and clean and fold and schedule and write and read and scrub and hug and love and play and mourn and lose and build and create and sing and pray and balance and ...

Finn is home!!!

I've thought of many somewhat clever titles and decided to go with the simple and most appropriate: "Finn is home!!!"

It all started on Friday morning when they pulled his feeding tube. After that, he had to take all of his feedings by mouth instead of tube. We didn't tell many people since the situation could change quickly, and he would be back on the tube. Finn showed us how tough he is and ate like a trooper.

On Sunday morning, Brian and I arrived at the hospital, went through the paperwork, witnessed his circumcision, and brought our little boy home.

Brian is taking some time off during these sleepless times. (We had no idea how much this little boy grunts through the night. Ugh.)

Time to go and get the kids off to school while Finn is asleep on my shoulder.

Pertinent pics

Another busy week on defense

Let's start with Monday, March 16th, Jakey's birthday. Now anyone who knows Jakey knows that he is far from typical and literally marches to the beat of his own drum, one of many. Because of this, it's hard to celebrate his birthday or other occasions with him. Cake? Why bother, won't eat it anyway. Presents? Only really interested in the computer or other electronic devices, not typical fare. Hats? Streamers? Guests? You got to be kidding. No way. Balloons? Now you're on to something.

Our boy loves balloons, totally loves them. So, on the way home from seeing Finn, I stopped at the grocery store to buy him a bouquet of 8 balloons, one mylar with the number 8, another mylar with Winnie-the-Pooh gang wishing him "Happy Birthday," and 6 latex balloons of different colors. I also brought home a package of his favorite glazed donut holes that he hadn't had in a while. And, Jake's birthday was made. He was so happy to have the balloons that he took them to whichever room he was in, even his bedroom. I had to stop him from carrying them into his bed though. Next time I down/upload pics, I'll show you the one with him in bed, balloons floating nearby. Oh, and this day was also Meg's 1/2 birthday; she is now officially 9 and 1/2 years old.

Also, that morning we found out that Finn passed the 5 lb mark -- just barely.

The 17th was also a momentous day. Early in the morning I took Meg to her second orthodontist appointment. Since we were halfway to the hospital, I also took her to see Finn for her second time. Since the first time was the day after he was born, it was nice for her to him without so many tubes and in such a fragile state. She also held him for the first time and loved it. She's going to be the best big sister and is anxious for him to come home. She also commented on how soft his head was with his silky hair. I'll post pics of this too when I can.

This momentous day was not done yet. At 2:30 pm, Finn took his entire feed by bottle, then at 5:30 pm, he took another feed by bottle served by Papa (Brian for those who don't know Walker family vernacular). At 8:30 pm, he rested and took the feed by gavage (tube), but the next two feeds were completely by bottle! That's 4 out of 5 by bottle! The next day, yesterday, he mostly rested, taking some by bottle and some by gavage. And, last night, his weight hit 5 lbs, 7.4 oz! Over one pound from his original 4 lbs, 6 oz -- in 3 weeks.

He's getting there. Now he just needs to eat solely by bottle or boomba (Meg's word for breast) for 48 hours, and then he can come home. We're getting there.

Oh, and me? Tired, oh so, very tired. I'm not picky about location either. Just give me a relatively flat surface, and I'm out ... until I have to pump again. Brian isn't faring much better. He's tried sleeping in Jake's room but now has a sore throat. Maybe allergies? Life is good but never easy.

Turning a corner ... slowly

Yesterday was a wonderful and surprising day. Finn was awake and alert and ready to eat by mouth. He had three amazing bottle feedings of 15, 22, and 42 cc's out of the 42 cc's he eats each feeding. He was also alert enough to take an unknown amount by breast in the morning. After his full feeding of 42 cc's at 5:30 pm, I rushed to the hospital, taking Brian's turn, so that we could try the breast again. This time the nurses weighed him before and after the feeding since 1 gram of weight gain is basically equivalent to 1 cc of breastmilk. With this method, we figured that he took about 8 cc's by breast.

Finn must have worked too hard yesterday and needed the rest today since he barely woke up for any of his feedings. Despite his sleepiness, he was able to eat another 10 cc's by breast. Just so that you know, the remainder of his feeding is fed to him by his feeding tube. Tonight, Brian made it to the hospital for Finn's 8:30 pm feeding and fed him 18 cc's by bottle. He's on his way home now and called to let me know that being able to feed his baby son meant the world to him.

We still have a ways to go before we can bring him home but are encouraged that Finn has started showing interest in eating. Thank you for your prayers. Brian is well enough to visit, and Finn has started eating by mouth. Your prayers are truly needed and very powerful.

Oh, and can you believe that Finn is 2 weeks old today?

Since it's been almost a week

Today we woke up to snow and a two-hour school delay. Since Meg has a two-hour orthodontist appointment in the afternoon (postponed since we were in the hospital during the original appointment) and Jake is still coughing, we kept the kids home. With such a busy morning, I'll be visiting Finn in the afternoon/evening. Brian is still sick and unable to visit Finn right now.

Finn is doing extremely well. He no longer has an IV and only has monitor wires and a feeding tube left. Over the weekend he moved from his isolette to a crib which resembles a clear, topless storage tub, like one Rubbermaid would make. He is tolerating the 40 cc's of breast milk that they serve him every 3 hours by tube. So that he receives more calories to help him bulk up and have more energy, they are enhancing the milk so that it is 24 calorie instead of the 20 that I provide. 

Because of how young he is and having been on a ventilator, he has not been able to take more than 2-3 cc's (cc=ml) by nipple, mine or the Gerber ones. We've tried breastfeeding every day for the past few days. He latches on easily, but does not want to suck and swallow. He usually falls fast asleep. I've been able to hold him for most of the time that I'm visiting him, even kangarooing (skin-to-skin contact) in a Murphy bad that they have in his room.

The other obstacle that he needs to overcome before coming home is de-satting (desaturation). He needs to go 5 days without his heart rate or oxygen saturation de-satting or going below a certain rate. He had his last one last night, March 8th, in the evening.

Finn is just the sweetest guy. His neighbor right now is a fussy little girl who is often crying loudly, and Finn isn't fazed at all. He sleeps through it or just looks around. The only times that I've heard him cry are when the nurse had to re-insert his feeding tube and when she had to remove the dressing covering his chest tube opening. When he is awake, he just loves to look around. His nurses just love him and his big eyes.

I do have a few prayer requests and would be ever grateful if you could take the time: (1) that Finn would start feeding, preferably by breast, (2) that Finn's de-sats would be all in the past, (3) that Brian and Jake would recover from their illness and that Meg and I wouldn't get it, and (4) that I can maintain the energy that I need to care for my family and Finn while pumping around the clock, I am becoming very weary and tired.

And a couple more

What you all have been waiting for

A current pet peeve

Joy is rare today. A few people have it for a while, most don't. For those that do have it, it may fade. The world discourages joy and tells you, "don't get your hopes up." That phrase has really been bothering me lately. Why not get my hopes up? Will I be more disappointed if my hopes are up? Will I feel better if I kept my hopes down and bad things happen? Kind of a: "Wow, I feel so much better that I knew something bad would happen." No! I'd be affected by the bad and the nasty AND I would have deprived myself of any joy and hope that I could have had.  And, if the bad thing didn't happen, what a lot of worry and woe for absolutely no reason.

So, I'm getting my hopes up. I'm enjoying life right now, not later when it's safe. Life is never safe, but it can be good and full of joy. Your choice and mine.

Because I've been asked

I am recovering from the c-section quickly. Since I'm weaned off my pain meds during the day, I was able to drive to the hospital so that Brian could stay home and rest. My incision looks great, and I've received many compliments from the hospital staff on how well I'm doing. I've also had plenty of energy for pumping every 3 hours (yep, even at night) and sleeping well in between and in naps. I've also been able to play with the kids, work a bit, some super-light housework (dishes and laundry), read the paper, cry, laugh, and rest.

During my pregnancy, I was remembering how difficult the first few months of Meg's life was for me. I thought the lack of sleep would kill me. When Jake was in the hospital, I was grateful for the extra sleep but still exhausted and overwhelmed. A few months ago, I knew that I would need help after Finn was born. So, I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for God to intervene, to give me rest and strength, to slow me down and give me peace instead of worry.

I may need more rest later. We'll probably ask for help when Finn comes home, but for now, I'm good.

Simply amazing

Wow. I can't believe that so much has happened since yesterday morning. Here's a quick list:

• Finn's chest tube was out by the time we arrived at the hospital.
• This morning the docs took him off the vent.
• ... BUT did not need to put him on CPAP or a nasal cannula or any oxygen except for what he can get from the air that we all breathe.
• He has been taken off antibiotics.
• He no longer needs phototherapy.
• The nurse gave him his first bath and washed his hair. (Don't tell Meg. She really wants to bathe Finn.)
• They are feeding him 14 ml of mommy milk every 3 hours through his oral feeding tube; the amount increases 3 ml every 12 hours at noon and midnight.
• They removed part of his central line.
• He is back to his birth weight, 4 lbs, 6 oz.
• I held him in my arms for two hours while he rested.
• Tonight they are removing his scalp IV.
• The nurse told me that if Finn continues on this course, he will be home in a couple of weeks.

On the down side, Brian has caught Jake's cold and had to stay home today. Nothing worse that feeling like crap AND having to miss the opportunity to hold your son for the first time. I also had a bit of trouble this morning when my blood pressure spiked again. My doc was hoping that I would be able to wean off some of my meds, but that did not work out at all. It's back under control for now, and fortunately, I didn't miss seeing Finn today especially with Brian ill. Please pray for him to recover quickly so that he can return to the NICU.

I have some pics from today and will post them as soon as we can download then upload, but for now I need to return to playing with my kids who are home.

Moving to the offense

How to start? How about with the big news?

Finn Zachary Walker was born on Thursday, February 26th, at 3:07 pm. He weighed 4lbs, 6oz and was 18 inches long. The docs had to fight to get our gangly little boy out of the womb, but I'll save his birth story for another day so that I can quickly update everyone on how he's doing.

So that we have consistent updates and so that no one is left out, we will be posting Finn's progress here instead of in email or facebook. If you bookmark the page or become a follower of the blog, access to the updates will be easier for you. If there are any terms that you do not understand, just google them. I may not go into detailed explanations, but I will try to type in the correct spelling of each technical term.

This last week has been one of the most amazing weeks of my life. Like I wrote, I'm going to skim over most of it to get to the important part. Today, I am writing from home instead of the hospital. Brian and I decided that although Finn was still on the hospital, I needed to be discharged on Saturday night so that we could devote some time to Meg and Jake. Even though they had their uncle watching over them, they both really missed us being home. Yes, it was hard to leave Finn, but he was in caring and skilled hands at the hospital. Recovering from the c-section has been difficult at times, but on the whole, I'm ahead of schedule with it and doing really well. Because of having to pump every 3-4 hours, my sleeping schedule is out of whack; don't be surprised if we don't answer the phone if you call. We are only taking calls when we are able and awake.

Now on to Finn ...

After he was born, he was moved into the Special Care Nursery, or NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), at Overlake Hospital. Because of his lung immaturity, he was quickly put on oxygen and CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure). Even with all of this help, he was struggling. The little grunts that he would make were breaking our hearts. We just wanted to hold him but couldn't yet. On Friday, he developed a complication called a Pneumothorax (or pneumo for short). This required a painful procedure, inserting a pig-tail chest tube to relieve the pressure and allow his lungs to heal. On Friday evening, the balance of morphine for the pain and the pain itself caused him to stop breathing. I happened to be in the room when this happened, and even now, I want to cry about that scary event. The docs and nurses responded quickly so that his blood oxygenation stayed up while he was intubated and put on a ventilator. They also inserted a central line to help monitor him and give him the nutrition and meds that he needed.

We were hoping that they wouldn't have to resort to this, but with the ventilator, they were also able to give him more morphine so that he could finally rest and not have to work so hard. It really did our hearts a lot of good to finally see him at rest instead of a near-constant state of distress. A couple of times, he opened his eyes while my hand rested on his head. He clearly feels more comfortable when Brian or I are touching him and talking to him.

The docs were originally hoping that the chest tube would only have to be in for a couple of days, but by Saturday morning, another complication arose. The tube was either blocked or kinked and the pneumo was redeveloping. They replaced the tube, and we hoped and prayed.

On Saturday evening, he was still resting and doing well so we went home to be with Meg and Jake. I am so glad that we did. They both needed us and needed to know that they were important too. Before we left, we visited Finn one more time. He is simply adorable.

When I called the NICU on Sunday morning, the nurse greeted me with wonderful news. Finn's pneumo was doing so well that they had water sealed the tube in preparation to remove it Monday morning if his x-ray looked good. Hallelujah! But that wasn't all. They were also going to start feeding him the precious mother's milk that I had been providing, the oxygen level on the ventilator was turned down to 23-25%; since room air is 21%, this is HUGE. And, they were starting to wean him off the morphine. Wow! We were not expecting such amazing news.

That afternoon we took Jake with us to see his baby brother; Meg saw him Friday when she visited us in the hospital. Jakey lasted less than a minute so we took turns just being with Finn and talking to him while the other played with Jakey in the waiting room.

By evening, Finn was doing even better. They turned down his vent to room air levels (21% oxygen), were feeding him regularly through a feeding tube, and he was off the morphine.

That brings us up to today.  This morning I called after rounds to find out Finn's care plan for today (Monday, 3/2). His chest x-ray looks great (can't wait to see it), and they are pulling his chest tube. So that he has time to recover from each procedure, they are planning on pulling his vent tomorrow if he continues his progress. Or, they might pull it tonight if he does even better. He's still on room air and the respiratory rate on the vent is 30, but he is doing most of the work on his own. Later today they are also going to start phototherapy for jaundice; his bilirubin rate has gone from 9.3 to 11.6. Not an emergency, but phototherapy is indicated for his size, no biggie. They are continuing his feedings which will also increase his bowel movements and in turn that will reduce the bilirubin.

Brian and I are still wrapping things up at home, and as soon as we shower, we'll be heading off for a visit. We probably won't be able to hold him until after he has adjusted to the CPAP after he's taken off the vent, but we can be there and talk to him and rest our hands on him. The nurse also said that he has been looking around so we we need to be there to give him some faces to look at. We are both looking forward to when I can breastfeed or when we can try giving him his milk in a bottle, whichever he will take.

Thank you for all of your continued prayers. I hope to write more soon and cannot wait until I can tell you all that Finn will be coming home. Until then, I'll update as I can.