August 12th and a big surprise

On Tuesday morning, I'm cranky as all get out and have had a major fight with Meghan (yeah, she's 8). Stupid, I know. Who's the adult after all? O'kay, back to the story. I drop Meg off at camp and as I'm driving home, I realize that I have had no sign of my period in a LOOOOOONG time (not the dragon, the length ... too obscure?). At least since mid-June.

Straight to the grocery I drive while trying to figure out if I should buy a pregnancy test or a menopause test. They only had the pregnancy ones. I purchased the two-kit generic package because it was only $3 more. Why? I don't know.

At home, I surreptitiously (ooh, big word) take the test only to discover that it is positive in less than 30 seconds. O'kay. Now what?

Fortunately, Brian is home, and with tears in my eyes and fear mingled with joy in my heart, I go to tell him the news, Well, show him actually. He is as stunned as I am. When I tell him that I bought the two pack, he suggested that I take it as well. So, I did.

I have never seen a test turn positive so quickly. The cross bar on the plus sign showed before the negative sign and the control line.

Now, I understand that for some married people who want more kids this is no big deal since we are married people who want more kids. The difference? Two years ago I went through two rounds of IVF without enough eggs to harvest either time. We were told to give up, that I was probably going through early menopause. Add to that, I have never had an easy pregnancy. Two uteri. One kid born out of each, the first a month early with a week of bedrest midway and super high blood pressure at birth, the second with water breaking at 20 weeks and 10 weeks of bedrest, four of those in the hospital, and 3 months of NICU. The second event shouldn't repeat itself since that tube was tied, but ...

Tuesday was deer-in-headlights day. I don't think that I accomplished a single thing except for picking up Meg from camp, playing my last soccer game for a while, having my blood drawn for a pregnancy test at the ob-gyn, and putting the pieces together on my weird body reactions for the last two months. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention. I'm about 8 weeks along because I forgot that I hadn't had my period since mid-June.

We, Brian and I, have been trying to really look at ourselves and our response, to understand what this really means in our lives. We always wanted four kids but have been content with two. Both of us struggle with giving in to fear and hesitation instead of embracing this precious gift of joy that God has given us. Why worry? Plan, yes. Think ahead, yes. But, to deny ourselves the joy that comes from this announcement has revealed to us what we really feel about the heart of God, and it's not pretty. This is such an opportunity for redemption. Our previous pregnancies were hard. God can redeem them. We've made, and continue to make, mistakes with our kids. God can redeem them. We've struggled with why having kids is so hard for us. God can redeem this as well.

I could go on all night here, but I think the baby is telling me to go to bed. Tomorrow is a long and busy day, full of wonder and discovery of new things and old. Next I really want to share how Meg is responding to all of these changes. Like life, it hasn't been perfect, but it has been sweet ... and hard.